So I am sitting here in my room watching TV and thinking, thinking a lot. Been doing this the past few days and to be quite honest my mind is very tired.
You see, a little over a year and a half ago I got out of a bad relationship. I was in love with someone who after 4 years broke my heart.
I have some friends, who have never been in love, that tell me to “just get over it” , "you just need to go out and get laid" and say things like “I thought you were over that and you were fine?” And honestly, I thought I was. People who have never been in love or gone through a tumultuous relationship cannot understand. To love someone so much, to devote your life to them, plan on spending the rest of your life with them, only to find out that everything was a lie and you were a means to an end, totally crushes you. And I have not figured out if there is really ever any coming back from it. I know I deserve better, and the things he did were because of who he is, and not because of who I am. Well, some things were because of who I am…I was too forgiving and giving, and very easy to take advantage of, apparently. But for the most part, just like any other victim of mental, physical, or emotional abuse, I know it was not my fault. However I still can not seem to get my head and heart to agree. I never thought I would or could be one of “those” girls who still love someone that causes them so much pain.
So here I sit, depressed, trying to get myself out of a funk and figure out why exactly I can’t seem to “get over” my ex. The man I once loved, and probably will love for the rest of my life in some way. I don’t think people really stop loving their “first love”, you just learn to love other people. I hope that day comes for me. I have met a lot of great people made a lot of new friends, and re-connected with some old ones, but none of them have made me feel the same way I did when I was with my ex. I don’t get the same butterflies or get those giddy school girl feelings.
Part of me wonders if I don’t have these feelings because of the medication. Or maybe it is just because I am so afraid of being hurt again my heart has built a brick and steel wall around it with no windows and no doors? Then there is the small part of me that thinks maybe it’s because he is the only person I have ever loved, so my heart longs to have him back, maybe because my ex and I were really meant to be and we were destined to get back together. I know that would not be a good thing, he doesn’t deserve me, and he would just hurt me again, but part of me still wonders. Did he ever really love me? Did he really want things to end like they did? Did he know how much he was hurting me, or care? I don’t think I will ever get the answers to these questions.
I don’t consider myself a stupid person, and I know how I should feel, and how I should handle things, but for some reason my body won’t let me. So here I sit, for the last few days, not going to work or school, starting to shut myself off from the world again. A huge part of me wants to go out dancing and to be able to laugh with my friends and have a good time, but the part that is taking over me right now just wants to reflect and cry. I haven’t cried in months, I thought I was all cried out, feeling almost emotionless a few months after my ex left. I shut myself off to the world for almost 2 months last year dealing with all of this. Over the last year and a half I thought I had become stronger, and worked my way through everything…maybe this is just another step. In some ways I feel I was/am an addict. I was addicted to love and to a relationship. To give it all up is extremely hard, and is something I will have to deal with and work through for a long time. I know there are groups and hotlines out there to help people go through these situations, but I would rather reach out to my friends, or just delve into something like music or helping animals. Music has been a sort of therapy to me.
So many things have happened in my life in the last few years that have made me wonder if there is really a purpose to it all. I will admit while I was with my ex I thought about and attempted suicide twice. I know now that is never the answer, though sometimes I still feel it would be the easy way out. This is why I think it is important to start taking the anti-depressants again, even though I am not to that point yet, I don't want to get to it. I also want all of my friends and family to know that, even though I am screwed up in my own ways, I am always here to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on, a person to bitch about things to, or to take you out to try to get your mind off of everything. I am sorry to those of you who have felt me push away, hopefully things will get better soon. If that means in order to get the real Anna back, I have to be on meds for a majority of my life, then so be it.
I don’t know who will read this but I would like to give some information of some places that can help you if you are feeling depressed or like there is no hope left. Remember that there are people out there that love you, even if it doesn’t seem that way. You can pull through whatever it is you are dealing with, you aren’t alone. I know you have heard that a lot, but it is the truth. Please talk to your doctor or a counselor and see if medications or other treatments are right for you. Everyone deserves to go through life happy, and free from chronic depression.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ - 1-800-273-8255
1-800-784-2433 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) Deaf Hotline
http://www.nami.org/
http://www.opa.ca.gov/healthcare/use-plan/find-mental-care.aspx
http://www.twloha.com/find-help/
1-800-784-2433 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) Deaf Hotline
http://www.nami.org/
http://www.opa.ca.gov/healthcare/use-plan/find-mental-care.aspx
http://www.twloha.com/find-help/
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